A Bacon Post

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In response to Sir AlCantHang's Bacon essay challenge, I've decided to write a few words. I'm very interested in being a part of the bacon of the month club, but unfortunately my Canadian residency should automatically nullify my chances of being included. I don't think they will send those delicious meats outside the country. Can't blame them!

Besides that, my 'essay' will probably suck anyways.

I just had to write about it though. I heart bacon.



Bacon Will Restore Your Faith in God

"Want to go to a stripclub?"
"Would you like to have this $100 bill?"
"Want to play strip poker with those supermodels?"
"Want to play poker?"
"Want to take my Ferrari for a spin?"
"Should I cook up this bacon?"

These are questions that should never be asked of me. Why? Because the answer is so obvious that you shouldn't even waste your breath. I might even look at you like you're retarded. Hell, I might even question whether or not you rode the short bus to school. My opinion of you might be forever changed if you ask me those questions. You're only hurting yourself.

The answer is a resounding YES you crazy retarded bastard!

Cook that bacon! No, I don't care if it's 6:00 p.m. and bacon is a breakfast food, you cook that delicious meat right now! No, I don't care that I just ate a 12 course meal and I feel like I'm going to explode, fry it up! No, I don't care if you think it's bad for me. Bacon is allegedly bad for me until you show me proper documentation and years of statistical research to back up that ridiculous hypothesis.

Breakfast food. Ha! I will eat bacon any time of the day, cooked any way. Fatty, crispy, it doesn't matter! Bacon is like pizza or sex...even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Bacon sandwiches, bacon and eggs, bacon cheeseburgers, plates of bacon, other food cooked in bacon grease, it doesn't matter. I will eat it. It's a well known fact that bacon makes everything taste better, but we have to remember one thing: bacon served alone, in it's purest form, can stop your heart. Not because it's allegedly bad for you, but because for that time that you are eating it, your heart falters in unadulterated love for this God-sent meat.

So do yourself a favour, make yourself a plate of bacon for supper tonight and believe in God again. Even better, make a plate for me without even asking if I want any. For this, I won't look at you like you were wearing a helmet and chasing butterflies. In fact, it will be a surprise that will keep me loving you forever, even if you are a stranger.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, with bacon. Remember that.

And if you ever meet a man who claims to dislike bacon, you're legally allowed to punch him in the face*.

Fry well my friends.


*probably not true, I don't know, I'm not a lawyer.